Albert Einstein once observed that “We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” This implies that we must change our frame of mind if we are to find solutions for those problems.
In family mediation, whether involving divorce, post-divorce or any other family issue, your frame of mind will directly impact your ability to find a solution in several ways.
First, your frame of mind will limit your thinking when it comes to looking for options. Let’s say, for example, that you’re stuck in what led to having to mediate in the first place—getting stuck in the past--- you may not be able to think of a better future and of ways to get there.
Second, your frame of mind will be reflected in your communication. This will directly affect how you communicate with the other party. This, in turn, will directly impact how the other party thinks about the issue.
For example, feelings of resentment and bitterness may lead to you using hurtful words. This may emotionally cloud your thinking about the issues and also how the other party thinks about them if hurtful words are used to communicate about options. The result may very well be that the other party also gets stuck in the same emotional cloud as you, unable to consider whatever solution you are offering.
Third, if you perceive the mediation as a you-against-them scenario, or how to get the best of them in mediation, you are in effect working against finding a solution because you see “them” as the problem—your focus is taken away from the problem and directed at the other party.
Efforts to focus on the issues to be resolved will go along way in letting your mind focus on finding solutions. This includes using language that will be constructive to the mediation process. The result may be an agreement that, while not perfect, works for both of you, and leads to a mediated settlement agreement.
On the other hand, your chances of arriving at a solution, or settlement, are significantly reduced if you’re not aware of your frame of mind going into the mediation. The result is a waste of time and money, particularly if you also have legal representation and the attorney has attended mediation with you.
Failing to consider your frame of mind going into mediation may have consequences beyond just not being able to reach an agreement. Most likely, it will also translate into higher legal fees and costs for you because your attorney will have to spend time and effort in preparing to go to trial as well as at the trial itself.
It will also deprive you of reaping all the benefits of mediation. For more information on mediation, including its benefits, get the free mediation guide.
